SO BAD: Extract Two 

The ringing tone ends, the Skype icon disappears from the screen, and all that’s left is footage of wild dogs tearing at a wildebeest and David Attenborough’s measured voice.

SID: Oh thank fuck!

ROSE: Has he gone?

SID: Yeah. The cunt’s rung off.

ROSE: That was horrible.

SID: Yeah. I know.

ROSE: That was really horrible.

SID: Don’t tell me it was horrible. I know it was really fuckin’ ‘orrible.

ROSE: That was so scary.

SID: Yeah, I know it was scary. You don’t have to tell me it was scary. [Beat.] Freaked me out a bit.


ROSE: I know. And me. [Beat.] We’ve got to call him.


SID: Are you crazy?


ROSE: We’ve got to call Leo.


SID: Oh, I thought you meant him.

ROSE: Who? Craven?

SID: Yeah.

ROSE: Why would we want to call Craven?

SID: I don’t know.

ROSE: No, we’ve got to call Leo. Warn him.

SID: Warn him about what?

ROSE: We’ve got to tell him Craven called.

SID: Why? What’s he going to do about it?

ROSE: He may be in trouble.

SID: He’s gone.

ROSE: We’ve still got to tell him.

SID: He gone: cleared off.

ROSE: But he may need help.

SID: Leo’s gone. Leo’s gone—cleared off— and he’s left you to deal with all this shit. Left you all alone in the middle of all this. But you’re here now. Here with me. All safe and sound.


ROSE: You were scared too.

SID tries to pull ROSE down on to the armchair beside him. She shakes him off.


SID: You what?

ROSE: You were scared too.

SID: Fuck off.

ROSE: I guess that was you protecting me.

SID: Hey, there. Just you listen—

ROSE: I guess that was you keeping me safe.

SID: Listen—

ROSE: Five minutes ago, you were, like, 2Pac, you were like all OG… Original Gangster… ‘I’m just one of the foot soldiers.’ Rolling with your crew—with all your ghetto attitude—in your giraffe onesie.


ROSE makes mocking hip-hop hand gestures and falls into a gangster-attitude stance.

SID: Fuck off.

ROSE: And then it was all, like, ‘Let me take you in my strong arms. Keep you safe from harm.’


SID: Fuck off.


ROSE: [Romantic lead.] ‘Don’t be frightened. I’ll protect you.’


SID: Shut up.


ROSE: [Girlie voice.] ‘We’ll watch David Attenborough together.’


SID: Shut up.


ROSE: And then you get one call from Craven and you’re wetting your knickers.


SID: Shut the fuck up, will you?


A message icon comes up on the screen, superimposed on more BBC footage of animals devouring one another.


ROSE: Uh-oh.


SID: The fucker’s left us a message.


ROSE: He’s left Leo a message.


SID: What do you reckon we should do?

ROSE: Don’t know.

SID: Should we open it?

ROSE: I don’t know. What do you think we should do?

SID: Do you want to open it?

ROSE: Don’t know.


SID: I don’t want to get mixed up in anything.

ROSE: And if we open it—and listen to the message—Leo will know.

SID: Yes, Leo will know…

ROSE: Leo will know—

SID: And then we can’t help getting involved.

ROSE: What do you want to do?

ROSE walks over to the window and cautiously looks down. A long pause.

ROSE: Oh my God! There he is.

SID: Who? Leo?

ROSE: No, the guy I thought was following me.

SID comes over to join her at the window.

SID: Where is he? I can’t see anyone.

ROSE: No. I can’t see him either. He was just there. Beside those big bins.

SID: I can’t see anything. You’re just imagining it.

ROSE: There he is! Do you see him now?

SID: Oh, that’s all right. That’s not Craven. That’s a guy called Charlie. He’s a kind of a… friend.

ROSE: A friend?

SID: Yeah, I kind of work for him sometimes. 


ROSE: You work for him?

SID: Kind of work for him. I do some business with him. Nothing big.

ROSE: What kind of business?

SID: Nothing big. You know—buying and selling? Business.

ROSE: And what about Craven? Do you do any business for him?

SID: ‘Course not. Get real. People like me don’t ever see people like Craven. He’s way out of my league.

ROSE: And what about Leo?

SID: What do you mean?

ROSE: Well, he seems to know him. It looks like Craven’s not out of Leo’s league. And what about Charlie? Maybe Charlie knows Craven. Maybe Charlie works for Craven. Maybe Craven’s the godfather of the whole gang.

SID: Oh, for fuck’s sake. So, I sell a bit of grass for Charlie? Big deal. A man’s got to live.

ROSE: I think we should listen to it.

SID: You what?

ROSE: I think we should listen to the message.

SID: I don’t want to get involved.

ROSE: I think we should listen to the message right now. This minute!

SID: It’s none of our business.


ROSE: It is our business. Or it’s mine: I’ve got to know what Leo’s mixed up in.

SID: Oh, hold on. Hold on. Let’s not rush into anything.

ROSE is at the computer. She clicks on the message icon and CRAVEN’s huge face is projected on to the screen, replacing more natural history carnage. Heavy jowls, dark eyes, five o’clock shadow. Though he speaks in a bluff cockney, his tone is unwillingly conciliatory. Rage seethes beneath the note of wheedling entreaty.

CRAVEN: Listen to me. Both of us have done… bad things. Things we’re not necessarily proud of. Things we wouldn’t want other people to know about. But we did those things together. Me and you. And if word gets out, it won’t just me what gets… hurt. No, it won’t just be me. I’ll see to that. And if I’m not there… if I’m not there, there are others… others I trust. [Some anger bubbling to the surface.] Just like I trusted you. And they they’ll see to it that it’s not just me. [Mollifying.] So, what I’m trying to say is: don’t do nothing… rash. Because it won’t just be me goes down. I’ll see to that. We just need to talk about this. Man to man. I’m sure we can come to some kind of arrangement. And then nobody gets… hurt. Not me, not you. So, give me a little tinkle, eh?

SID: Shit.

ROSE: I don’t believe it.

SID: I’ve got to get out of here.

ROSE: ‘Bad things’.

SID: I got to go. This is way out of my league.

ROSE: Leo’s done ‘bad things’.

SID: That was Craven.

ROSE: ‘Bad things’.

SID: You know who that was? That was fuckin’ Craven.

ROSE: Leo’s done ‘bad things’ with Craven.

SID: I know.

ROSE: Things he doesn’t want anyone to know about.

SID: Things even Craven doesn’t want anyone to know about.

ROSE: Things he wouldn’t be proud of.

SID: Things Craven wouldn’t be proud of.

ROSE: Do you think he’s killed someone? Do you think Leo’s killed someone?


SID: At least.

ROSE: Tortured someone?

SID: Probably.

ROSE: Someone scary?

SID: Craven didn’t want word to get out.

ROSE: I know.

SID: About the things. About the things they done.

ROSE: The things they did.

SID: Yeah. The things they did.

ROSE: And they did these things together.

SID: [Echoing.] Yeah. They did them things together.

ROSE: [Unconsciously correcting.] They did those things together.

SID: ‘Bad things’.

ROSE: But he wants to come to ‘an arrangement’.

SID: Yeah, that’s right.

ROSE: What kind of arrangement?

SID: I don’t know about you: but I’m not going to hang around to find out. This is none of my business: I didn’t ask to get mixed up in any of this.

ROSE: [Decisively.] I’m calling him up.

SID: Are you crazy?

ROSE: Not Craven, you dummy. I’m calling up Leo.

SID: Why not just forget about him? Just walk away.

ROSE: I can’t.

SID: You can. You can just walk away. It’s not your problem—and fuck knows, it’s not mine.

ROSE ignores him and calls Leo on her mobile.


ROSE: Blast. He’s still not picking up. I’ll try again. [Pause, as she listens to the ringing tone.] Hi, Leo. It’s Rose. I don’t know where you are or what you’ve done. But call me. As soon as you get this message, call me.

SID: There you are. I told you it was no good.

ROSE: I had to try.

SID: He’s well out of it.

ROSE: I had to try.

SID: Just cleared off.

ROSE: I had to try.

SID: Just left you and me in the middle of all this shit.

ROSE: Maybe he’s in trouble.

SID: Just you, me and Craven.

ROSE: He must be in trouble.

SID: Yeah, he must be.

ROSE: Maybe Craven’s got him.

SID: Yeah. Maybe.

ROSE: Maybe he’s hurting him.

SID: Maybe he’s dead.

ROSE: [Horrified.] What?

SID: [Hastily mollifying.] I’m sure he isn’t.

ROSE: What did you say?

SID: He’s just not picking up.

ROSE: You think Leo’s dead.

SID: He’s probably just with another of his girls.

ROSE: [Hushed.] You think my boyfriend might be dead.

SID: You know what he’s like.

ROSE: You think Leo’s dead. [Beat.] He might be dead.

SID: But I’m sure he’s not.

ROSE: Craven said he’d hurt him. Or someone else would hurt him. If Craven couldn’t do it himself.

SID’s mobile pages him. A text has come in.

ROSE: Who is it? [Pause as SID pulls out his mobile and reads the screen.] Leo?

SID nods.

ROSE: Oh thank God. [Beat.] What’s it say?

SID: ‘Rose not shown up yet?’

ROSE: What d’ you text back?

SID: ‘She’s here.’

ROSE: Just ‘She’s here’?

SID: Yuh.

ROSE: Nothing else?

SID: No.

ROSE: Show me.

SID dutifully passes over the mobile.

ROSE: That’s all wrong!

SID: Eh. What d’ you mean?

ROSE: You’ve missed out the apostrophe.

SID’s mobile bleeps again.

ROSE: What’s he say?

SID: ‘Remember: don’t let her in, don’t talk to her.’

ROSE: Is that it?

SID: Yeah. There’s also a face.

ROSE: A face?

SID: Yeah, a little face. One of them… one of them… emoticon thingies.

ROSE: What’s it doing?

SID: It’s winking.

ROSE: Winking?

SID: Yeah, winking.

ROSE: Well, that doesn’t sound too bad.

SID: Doesn’t sound too bad?

ROSE: Well, you wouldn’t send a winking face—not if you were in serious trouble. Not if someone was hurting you.

SID: [Earnest.] No, you’d probably send the crying face.

ROSE: [Considering deeply.] Or maybe the angry one—if you were really mad about it.

SID: Or there’s the one with the foot in its mouth—if you’d said something, you shouldn’t have said.

ROSE: And Craven did say he shouldn’t say anything.

SID: Yeah.

ROSE: So, winking’s not that bad. [Beat.] Considering the alternatives.

SID’s mobile pings again. Another text.

ROSE: What’s it say?

SID: ‘Women, eh? Nightmare. Ha ha.’ Well, that sounds all right.

ROSE: Yeah. Typical ignorant male.

SID: Typical Leo.

ROSE: Sexist pig.

SID’s mobile pings again. Another text.

SID: [Reading.] P.S. You may want to keep out of Charlie’s way.’

ROSE: [Alarmed.] Charlie? Isn’t that the guy you said—?

SID: [Panicking.] Is he still there?

ROSE: [More panic.] I don’t know.

SID: Is he still outside?

ROSE rushes to the window.

ROSE: I’d kind of forgotten about him.

SID: What d’ you mean you’d forgotten?

ROSE: I’d forgotten about Charlie.

SID: Is he still there?

SID joins ROSE at the window.


ROSE: Can’t see him.

SID: I can’t see him either. Can you see him?

ROSE: No, I can’t see him.

SID: There he is. He’s on his mobile.

ROSE: Who do you think he’s talking to?

SID: How should I know?

ROSE: [Cressida-like.] Maybe he’s talking to Leo. Maybe he’s talking to Craven. Maybe he’s talking to Craven right now and they’re discussing what to do about Leo.

SID: [Impatient.] Maybe he’s talking to his wife. Maybe he’s talking to his auntie.

ROSE: [Gathering panic. Still an undertone.] Maybe they’re discussing what bad things to do to Leo.

SID: [Sarcastic.] Maybe he’s pledging money to charity. World Wide Fund for Nature. Save the Fucking Children.

ROSE: Maybe they’re talking about how they’re going to hurt him.

SID: Maybe it’s Chris Tarrant.

ROSE: Maybe they’re talking about what bad things to do to Leo. Discussing it.

SID: Maybe it’s Phone a Friend.

Voices fall and become hushed, as they watch intently.

ROSE: It’s not on anymore.

SID: Daytime TV.

ROSE: Those are all repeats. And why would you want to call Charlie?

SID: You what?

ROSE: What would his specialist subject be?

SID: Could be anything… music, geography… How would I know?

ROSE: Who does he work for?

SID: Who—Charlie?

ROSE: Yeah. Who’s his boss?

SID: Dunno.

ROSE: You never asked him?

SID: No, I never asked him.

ROSE: Why not?

SID: This may surprise you. But I’m not exactly Mr Big. I’m not, like, the don, the main man. I’m not the fuckin’ kingpin of the organisation. I just sell a little weed. I get it from a guy I know called Charlie.

ROSE: And you’ve never met Craven?

SID: ‘Course I haven’t met Craven.

ROSE: But you’ve heard of him.

SID: Yeah, I’ve heard of him. Everybody’s heard of Craven.

ROSE: [Sotto voce.] Oh my God!

SID: [Sotto voce.] Fuck me.

ROSE: He’s coming over.

SID: [Yelping.] I can see he’s fucking coming over!

ROSE: What about the door?

SID: The latch is broken.

ROSE: Oh my God.

SID: Landlord’s gonna fix it.

ROSE: Oh my God!

SID: He’s coming over at the weekend.

ROSE: Oh my God!

SID: He said he’s going to mend it. At the weekend.

ROSE: What about the deadlock?

SID: The deadlock?

ROSE: What about the deadlock?

SID: I can’t remember where the key—

ROSE: The deadlock!

SID: [Fumbling about his person.] It’s here somewhere. I only just—

ROSE: He’s coming over—!

SID: I only just got in.


ROSE: Where’s the key!

SID: Here it is! I only just got in.

ROSE: [Crescendo.] You gotta go downstairs…


SID: —I only just got in. They had this free bar.—

ROSE: … and lock the door…


SID: —We were drinking Sambuca.

ROSE: [Fortisimo.]… with the fucking key!

SID: [Beat.] Why have I got to go?

ROSE: Because it’s your door.

SID: You were last up.

ROSE: And it’s your key.

SID: I only just got in.

ROSE: And it’s your flat.

SID: They had a free bar.

ROSE: And he’s your friend.

SID: I don’t see why—

ROSE: Go on! Downstairs!

SID: --I’ve got to go.

ROSE: And lock the door.

SID: I was drinking Sambuca—

ROSE: And lock the fucking door!

SID: [Reluctantly getting up.] Why me?

ROSE: [Pulling him back. Abruptly interjecting.] Hold on.

SID: You what?

ROSE: [Urgent.] This doesn’t make sense.

SID: [Self-righteous.] I know. You were the last one in.

ROSE: No. Listen to me.

SID: You were last in. You should lock it.

ROSE: Listen to me.

SID: I’m just saying— it’s only fair—

ROSE: Shut up and listen to me! If Charlie works for Craven, then he already knows about Leo. That’s why he was following me. That’s why he’s watching the house. That’s why he’s coming over. If we lock the door—if we don’t let him in— then he knows we’re in on it.

SID: In on what?

ROSE: The bad things.

SID: Bad things?

A heavy knocking on the door downstairs from the flat.

ROSE: All the bad things Leo did. With Craven.

A heavy knocking on the door downstairs from the flat.

SID: [Gathering panic.] He’s gonna hurt us.

ROSE: He’s not going to hurt us.


SID: You don’t know these people: he’s gonna hurt us.


ROSE: He won’t hurt us. Not if you’re all, like, ‘Hi, Charlie. Wanna come in? Sit down and chill for a bit. Have some tea, smoke some grass, watch some David Attenborough?’ He’ll be, like, ‘Those kids don’t know anything. Oh, The Hunt! I love David Attenborough! And why’s that prat in a giraffe onesie?’ No offence.

SID: [Hysterical.] He’s gonna hurt us so bad!


ROSE: [Sharply.] –Ly. So badly. And we don’t even know that he works for Craven. That might have been Chris Tarrant. He really might have been pledging money for the World Wide Fund.


SID: He did have some raffle tickets once. At Christmas. For the hospice.

ROSE: See? There you are. Nothing to worry about.

More knocking.

ROSE: Go on.


SID: Why me?

ROSE: Go on!

SID: I still don’t understand why it’s got to be me.


Exit SID.